Writing has been difficult as of late. Words don’t flow – emotions are percolating too close to the surface. I have shared in the past some of what we have been dealing with both here and here. Last night was a difficult night – I’ve had quite a few lately. It was filled with tears, raw emotions and a lack of sleep. When I awoke today, this free verse poem was floating around in my head – well, really it was stomping around and wouldn’t stop until I wrote it down. I’ve never done this before, so please don’t judge too harshly. It shares some of the emotions and feelings we have been going through for the last 50 weeks. Yes, it’s been that long. Truth be told, many days I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
My eyes open with a start!
I’m surrounded by darkness.
Where am I?
How did I get here?
I’m alone, afraid, panicking!
How do I get out?!
I just want out!!
I want to feel the sun on my face and hear the birds singing.
I hear the slow drip of water- it’s damp and cold.
Little feet are scurrying around me.
Where am I?
Why has no one come to help?
I move, but am aimless.
I can’t find my way in the darkness.
I feel it pressing down on me.
I stumble and fall – scraping my knee.
I cry out!
I Am! Where are you?
He is here! I can feel His presence.
I feel peace in the midst of the darkness.
I hear someone crying out.
Pain – torment- agony – terror!
I run toward the sound, stumbling again and again.
I Am! Help me find her!
He calms me.
I move toward the sound talking to I Am as I move.
I can’t see anything but I know that He is with me.
He reassures me – He will provide a way.
I reach the crying one- in a heap, covered in dirt.
The gut wrenching wailing continues.
I reach out to comfort her.
She thrashes at me,
directs all of her anger and sadness toward me.
I feel heartbreak – sadness – confusion – panic!
How can I help her?
I try to get her to come with me.
We must find a way out of the darkness!
She wants to stay?!
I try to help her along but she fights me.
In the dark and dank we argue for hours.
I call to I Am.
He is there- I can feel His presence.
The battle rages on.
Eventually she trusts enough to come with me.
We find a tunnel and see a speck of light.
A way out!
Pulling her toward the light – still she resists.
I Am! I need strength!
Struggling with her is making me weary!
I don’t know if I can go on!!
He wants me to rest?
The end is near! I can see the light!
Reluctantly I rest.
We move toward the light -
a little less resistance.
Disappointment and despair!
This is but a crossroads-
not the end of the journey!
I can’t continue- the struggle is more than I can bear!
What direction do I go?
I don’t want to go back into the darkness!
Is there no other way out?
She doesn’t want to go!
She seems to like it here.
She rails against me – blames me – yells at me – fights me.
I Am! Help me!
Which way do I go?!
How do I help her?!
We bow together.
I have direction.
I step into the darkness once again – she follows.
Afraid- but at peace.
I don’t know how long the darkness will last.
It may never end.
I Am will be with me.
He will guide and direct me.
No matter how dark it gets – He will be there.
This doesn’t end with a “happy ending” because life isn’t like that. The truth is, God isn’t up in heaven saying to himself, “How can I make Lora’s life easier so that she will be happy all of the time?” He has a purpose and a plan. Sometimes that plan is raw, painful and difficult (just ask Deitrich Bonhoeffer). It has a purpose none the less. The hard part for us is to figure out how to glorify Him in the midst of the darkness. Because my purpose above all others is to bring glory to Him.
If you feel as if you are in the darkness, please share. I will pray for you. It helps me to have others to pray for, to remember I’m not the only one trying to find my way in the darkness.
Rachel re-did my blog for me! She is a great blessing and encouragement in my blogging adventures!